An informative and entertaining self-examination
Anyone involved in restoring his own boat for any length of time will readily
recognize the answer for each that best represents reality here!
(Note: as though you can’t guess,
ALL
of these are based on real-life experiences.)
The best-laid plans
Apparently, the previous owner of your boat was
- A dedicated yachtie who kept
it in pristine order
- An older guy who let it go
during the last few years he had it
- A complete idiot
Carefully-drawn
plans or instructions for your intended projects
- Serve a valuable purpose in
organizing, scheduling and budgeting the work
- Give a general idea which
usually gets changed once you start the work
- Are likely to be left in the
bathroom at home and thus disregarded in place of ‘just winging’ it when
you’re already at the boat to work
Schedules
and budgets are
- Valuable guides to keeping a
sense of sanity and proportion
- Seldom absolute
- Completely pointless
The
last time you had a completely new idea about what to improve on the boat was
- The last time you sailed it
- Right before you began an
organized plan of restoration
- Five minutes ago
Parts
catalogues will
- Be worth browsing to what’s
available and what can be ordered
- Be important sources of
‘how-to’ information
- Get comprehensively marked-up
with underlining, highlighting, circling, arrows and diagrams as well as
notes and gift hints to family members who will really never see or heed
them
Tools
of the trade
The average yacht restorer’s tools and supplies are stored in
- A shiny metal rollaway tool
chest with locking doors
- A handmade
mahogany-and-plywood toolbox
- A mismatched collection of
eleven (or is it twelve?) lidless containers and damp cardboard boxes,
organized, if at all, in such a way that Rube Goldberg, Charles Manson and
PeeWee Herman would consider it crazy
Your
stepladder is
- A new orange fiberglass one
from Home Depot
- An old aluminum one that has
seen many years of dependable service
- A really crappy wooden one
that was surreptitiously ‘borrowed’ from some other guy in the boatyard
The
tool vital to starting the next job will mostly likely be found in the
- Tool box
- Last place the tool was used
- Bilge
Your
electric extension cord is
- A brand-new blue one, 100
feet long, 12-gauge, with a heavy-duty plastic recoiling reel and a
molded-in 4-outlet box with circuit breaker
- The two lengths of orange
cord relied-upon for the hedge clippers at home
- Possibly more duct and
electrical tape than actual electrical insultation
A
flashlight’s most common function is to
- Illuminate
poorly-accessible areas
- Attack would-be burglars or
wasps’ nests
- Store dead batteries until
you decide to throw them away
The
usual condition of the average cordless drill/screwdriver’s batteries is
- Both at full charge as soon
as possible
- The one in the unit dead,
the other one charged and waiting in the charger
- The one in the unit dead,
the other one, which died last night, nowhere to be found
Wood
plugs are frequently sealed in the screw holes using
- Weldwood wood glue and an
overnight drying process
- WEST epoxy and an acid
brush
- The varnish, when you
noticed the missing plug(s) right after you started to brush it on
Your
boat-work shoes are
- High-quality leather
moccasin-type deck shoes
- Sturdy, sensible work boots
- A pair of ripped, stained
and punctured CVOs with the soles completely blown-out or held together
with duct tape; and your wife wonders why on earth they are still in the
house
Rubber
gloves and dust masks are
- Essential, for safety and
hygiene
- Frequently necessary for
really ugly jobs
- Unheard-of
The
procedures
You tend to have help in this project
- Most of the time
- About half the time
- Pretty much never, unless
you count the times when somebody from the yard comes by with a beer and
talks while watching you work
‘Cutting
corners’ in quality is
- To be avoided
- Sometimes necessary
- Totally acceptable, so long
as the task gets done
When
you encounter a necessary task involving an area of expertise in which you have
no experience, you will
- Seek help from an expert
- Read up on the procedure
and treat it as a learning experience
- Get out the tools and epoxy
and start doing it
During
a restoration, the bilge usually contains
- Dirt and liquids, till they
are cleaned or pumped out
- Hoses and wiring that would
be unsightly if run elsewhere
- Wet pencils, locknuts and
expensive electrical connectors you thought you mislaid and have had to
buy again
When
working on the boat, trash is
- Stuffed into a 5-gallon
paint bucket which is emptied at the dumpster each evening
- Brushed into a corner of the
cabin sole or cockpit
- Pitched out the companionway
hatch at the spur of the moment; and may God have mercy on the poor people
who may have stopped below to look over the boat
Some
of the fiberglass lay-ups in your boat may contain
- Small air bubbles
- Dust or wood chips
- Sandwich
lettuce, Dr Pepper and your blood
When
installing fittings on spars, you will use
- One thread tap, carefully
maintained with oil
- Maybe two or three taps
- So many taps that you must
make the 20 minutes’ trip from the boatyard to the auto-parts place
several times a weekend
When
you are kneeling or balancing on hull timbers to install new cabin-sole panels,
the electric drill that gets in your way will most likely end up with the point
of the new spade bitt in
- The bilge
- Some finished woodwork
- Your leg
The
usual procedure for electrolytically isolating stainless-steel fittings from
aluminum spars involves
- Applying nonconductive
thread-locker liquid to the threads
- Smearing both sides with
white lithium grease
- Sticking a piece of white
electrical tape under the part before screwing it down
When
cutting plywood outside, the rain will begin
- The moment the pieces are
cut
- In the middle of the job
- As soon as you have run the
extension cord, clamped down the part, and switched on the jigsaw
The
most valuable application of white Krylon is for
- Gas grilles, bicycles and
outdoor furniture
- Models made of metal parts
- Anywhere you neglected with
Durawhite, Bilgekote, or Awlgrip when it’s time to put the boat in the
water
When
cutting Plexiglas, the typical experience will involve
- A slow, clean cut with the
jigsaw
- Easily peeling off the
protective paper backing
- Having the blade get stuck
in the middle of the cut when the material melts itself back together and
then using hacksaws, grinders or lots of sanding to ultimately finish the
part
When
cutting G-10, you should use
- A brand-new, fine-toothed
jigsaw blade
- An old blade that is almost
ready to be thrown away anyway
- Someone else’s blade (and
saw)
With
the spars out of the boat, the usual procedure for reeving new halyards
involves
- Carefully ‘sewing’ and
whipping the braided messenger line to the new halyard
- Tying the messenger line to
a paperclip ‘buried’ into the new halyard
- Hastily wrapping the
messenger line to the new halyard with about half a roll’s worth of
electrical tape
The
5200 is usually applied
- In assemblies that must hold
out seawater and are not likely to be dismantled in the regular course of
maintenance
- For anything and everything
that goes together
- All over the cabin sole,
your knees, the clipboard, most of the tools and half of the sub sandwich
you had intended to finish
The
usual disposition of an unfinished tube of 5200 is to
- Cap it so it stays airtight
and store it in a cool dry place
- Stick a machine screw down
the nozzle and wrap tape over the end
- Leave it where you last
used it and expect to throw it away next week after the remaining half has
cured in the tube
When
painting decks or soles, the usual experience involves
- Careful planning so that
you can work from a ‘wet edge’ in painting from one end to the other
- The occasional oversight
requiring that you lean over wet paint to reach neglected dry spots
- A completely disorganized
nightmare involving spills, runs, blots and numerous opportunities to wear
your work home
When
the tarp that covers the boat needs to be changed, the wind will pick up
- As soon as the new tarp is
tied down
- As soon as you arrive at
the boatyard to do it
- As soon as you get the old
tarp stuffed into the dumpster and begin spreading the new one over the
cabintop
Your
primary motivation for doing painstaking work is one of
- Interest in the value of
your investment
- Concern for the durability
of the boat for the future
- Pride, to demonstrate your
superior ideas and craftsmanship
After-work
bathing typically entails
- A long refreshing shower
- A rush to finish and get on
to other tasks
- Dishwashing liquid, Fast
Orange and Scotch-Brite to remove all the paint, 5200, epoxy and resin
from your raw skin
Beat
the odds
The likelihood of damaging or dislocating a seacock is inversely proportionate to
- The cost of the seacock
- The importance of the
supply line attached to the fitting
- The need to replace it
The
likelihood of drilling a hole through a spar or bulkhead and breaking into a
length of electrical or plumbing conduit is inversely proportionate to
- The cost of the conduit
- The importance of the hole
you’re drilling
- The amount of time left
before the Travel-Lift comes
The
likelihood of tossing a screwdriver up into the boat and damaging something is
directly proportionate to
- The cost of the screwdriver
you toss
- The proximity of the object
it hits
- The amount of work you put
into what it hits
An
example of an unexpected negative
correlation may exist between
- The quality of the varnish
job and the cost of the foam brushes
- The cost of a VHF radio and
the time it takes to receive it from the supplier
- The time and effort you
take to install the paper-towel holder and the importance of the
paper-towel holder to the overall project
The
costs
The way to really recognize a yacht owner who is performing his own
work is by
- His smile of sublime
satisfaction at the launching banquet
- His nearly-empty wallet at
the end of the weekend
- The 5200 under his
fingernails at church
One
of the most humiliating things about taking so long to restore your boat is
- Your friends’ nagging
impatience to go sailing
- Paying 12-month dry-storage
contracts
- Discovering that the
state-of-the-art CD stereo system and FireWire computer network you
installed 4 years ago have become obsolete before you got to use them
One
way to be sure you’ve spent too much money on parts is by
- The smiles on the faces of
the staff at West Marine
- Your wife’s interrogation
about the Visa bill
- The way the UPS guy, who is
not a yachtie, is on a first-name basis with your dog and knows all about
the product lines carried by Defender.com
The
Bible verse that may best approximate the current status of your restoration
project is
- Hebrews 11:7 (‘By faith
Noah, divinely warned, built this ark to save his family’)
- Ezekiel 15:3 (‘Is wood from
this tree fit to make anything useful?’)
- Luke 14:30 (‘This man began
to build, and could not finish’)
Life
lessons learned
One thing you’ve found out about yourself that you never expected is that
- You’ve learned many new
things and gained a priceless experience
- You have physical strength
and stamina you didn’t know you had
- Falling sweat actually
splashes
By
now you are convinced that marine-toilet plumbing should be
- Replaced every three years
- Replaced by every new owner
- Made of heliarc-welded and polished
3-inch schedule-40 type-316 stainless-steel pipe and never changed at all
One
maintenance cycle you did not expect to need to know is that
- Bottom paint, no matter how
old, should be reapplied within two weeks of launching
- Spars should be removed and
inspected every three years
- The screw threads on
jackstands should be oiled annually
When
your restoration project is complete, you will know your boat
- Better than most yacht
owners know their own boats
- Enough to trust it in
nearly any conditions
- More intimately than you
know your wife
Your
restoration project has taken
- More or less the amount of
time you expected it would
- A season longer than you
expected
- Several years longer than
you expected
The
one most likely to perform future major maintenance and repair on your boat is
- A trusted yacht-service
facility
- The next owner
- You
When
the boat is finished